Unlearning Silence

Description

“Unlearning Silence is the book I wish I had when I started my career….This book is going to change the workplace for the better.”—Pooja Lakshmin MD, psychiatrist & best-selling author of Real Self-Care

“A necessary read…Unlearning Silence offers an opportunity and tools to change things within and around us – for ourselves and those we love.” —Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

A paradigm-shifting book looking at the pervasive influence of silence and how we can begin to dismantle it in order to find our voices at home and at work

Having a seat at the table doesn’t mean that your voice is actually welcome. Knowing something is wrong doesn’t mean it’s easy to speak up. In fact, there are incentives for many of us to stay silent. Why speak up if you know that it won’t be received well, and in fact, often makes things worse?

In Unlearning Silence, Hering explores how we’ve learned to be silent, how we’ve benefited from silence, how we’ve silenced other people—and how we might choose another way. She teaches how to recognize and unlearn unconscious patterns so we can make more intentional choices about how we want to show up at home and at work. Only by unlearning silence can we more fully unleash talent, speak our minds, and be more complete versions of ourselves… and help other people do the same.

With compassion, clarity, and understanding, Hering guides readers through real-life examples and offers a concrete road map for doing this vital and challenging work.”A transformative guide that delves deep into the intricate dynamics of silence, unraveling why individuals often withhold their voices and the subtle ways they unintentionally stifle others. Unlearning Silence is a masterful exploration of the intricate art of communication. Run, don’t walk, to read this book. It is such a powerful exploration of voice and the courage and space to use it.” —TD Magazine

“A necessary read. With empathy and clarity, Elaine unpacks what makes it so hard to honor ourselves and talk with each other. Unlearning Silence offers an opportunity and tools to change things within and around us – for ourselves and those we love.”
—Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and co-host of the Dear Therapists podcast

“Unlearning Silence is the book I wish I had when I started my career. Hering not only proves why silence is toxic, but, critically, goes a step further and shows us how to speak up in a way that is safe, values aligned, and has the greatest chance of being impactful. This book is going to change the workplace for the better.”
—Pooja Lakshmin MD, psychiatrist & best-selling author of Real Self-Care

“Too often as women, we are told we are the problem. Books tell us to just be more confident. To show up and then speak up. Elaine goes deeper and shows us that the silence we’ve been indoctrinated by runs deep and it is what holds us back and makes us feel small. A must read for every leader.”
—Deepa Purushothaman, author of The First, The Few, The Only

“We cannot heal our world if we do not unlearn silence. An inviting and essential read.”
—Alex Elle, New York Times bestselling author of How We Heal

“Whether we have been socialized to keep quiet, punished for speaking up, or feel panic at the prospect of voicing our truth, our silence deprives the workplace and the world of our ideas and crucial contributions. Elaine Lin Hering’s amazing book provides the secret recipe for breaking silence once and for all! Everyone should read Unlearning Silence—including a lot of men who mute themselves and look the other way when sexism and bias rear their heads.” —W. Brad Johnson, PhD, Professor of Leadership, Ethics, and Law, U. S. Naval Academy and coauthor of Good Guys: How Men Can Be Better Allies for Women in the Workplace

“Equal parts informative and inspiring. Unlearning Silence is at the core of negotiation, power, and influence. It is rare to find a book, like this one, that provides practical solutions to the problems it raises. Hering’s expertise is matched only by her empathy.” —Alison Fragale, Professor of Organizational Behavior, University of North Carolina Kenan-Flagler Business School

“A balm to my wounded soul…”
—Rev. Danté Upshaw, Program Director & Campus Pastor – Baltimore Urban Studies.

“This is a clear, compassionate read, and an important one.  I’ve rarely felt so seen and understood as when I read these pages. Creativity and innovation flow when people know how to use their voices, and leaders learn how to notice and disrupt patterns of silencing that haunt so many organizations, families and communities.”
—Katherine Sarafian, Animation industry senior executive and Academy Award® winning film producer

“Unlearning Silence is a call to action for anyone who has been underestimated, told they shouldn’t speak out, and confined by stereotypes. Elaine has brilliantly pulled together a much needed roadmap for those looking to use the strength of their voice to build the teams, lives, and companies we need, while bringing out the best from the people they lead.”
—Eric Toda, Director, Social Marketing at Meta & Managing Director of Meta Prosper

“We can’t solve the world’s most pressing problems – and innovate our way into the future -  if we perpetually silence ourselves and others. Elaine turns conventional, inadequate advice to “just speak up” into actionable and effective strategies. A game changer for teams and leaders everywhere.”
—Dorie Clark, Wall Street Journal bestselling author of The Long Game and Executive Education Faculty, Columbia Business School

“This book will transform your relationship with silence so that your voice can finally be heard!”
—Simon Alexander Ong, author of Energize

“Utterly refreshing, authentic and inspiring. As marginalised voices we can often believe it is our task to forge the way – to speak louder – but in a world full of noise and violence, Elaine Lin Hering’s thoughtful shepherding is a tonic. A majestic and reassuring book.”
—Maxine Mei-Fung Chung, author of What Women Want

“Unlearning Silence is a stunning book that empowers readers to break free from the shackles of silence, unlock their inner voice, and put into practice actionable strategies that build confidence in speaking up.” —Thomas Curran, Associate Professor, London School of Economics, chartered psychologist, and author of The Perfection TrapElaine Lin Hering is a facilitator, speaker, and writer. She works with organizations and individuals to build skills in communication, collaboration, and conflict management. In her career, Elaine has worked on six continents and with a wide range of corporate, government, and nonprofit clients. She has trained mental health professionals, political officials, religious communities, and leaders at companies including American Express, Capital One, Google, Nike, Novartis, Shell, Pixar, and the Red Cross. Elaine is a former Managing Partner of Triad Consulting Group and Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School, specializing in dispute resolution, mediation, and negotiation.BEFORE

1. Who we are shapes how we engage with a book. What identities do you currently hold? Consider gender, race, family background, relationship status, education, ability and others.

2. Why are you reading this book? Are you choosing to read it or is someone making you? What are you hoping to learn or explore as you read this book?

DURING

1. In the introduction, Elaine offers multiple definitions of silence. What is your own understanding of silence? What messages have you received about silence? How do those messages apply to you versus to people with different identities?

2. What is your reaction to the idea that you have silenced other people? What thoughts and feelings come up for you? Noticing your own reaction to having silenced people is a starting point for figuring out what you want to do going forward to increase the likelihood you support rather than silence people with your actions.

3. Elaine presents us with various scenarios where people stay silent (work, family, friendships etc). In what contexts are you most likely to stay silent? In what contexts are you most likely to use your voice? What are the factors that most influence your decision to choose silence over voice? Consider who, what, where, when, and why.

4. Chapter 2 explores the things that are problematic with silence. Which of these have you experienced? What coping mechanisms have you employed to help you navigate the negative impacts of silence? What are the pros and cons of the things you have tried?

5. In Chapter 3, Elaine names two biases that impact our perception of whether speaking up makes sense. How do you see these biases play out in your own calculations?

6. Of the reasons that Elaine provided in Chapter 4 about why we silence ourselves, which do you relate to? If they don’t resonate with you, how might they impact the people you are communicating with?

7. Which level of directness do you tend use? What level of directness does your culture expect of you? What level of directness is valued in your family, on your team, or within your organization? Discuss with other people in your family, team, or organization to see how your experiences and interpretations compare.  

8. One of the ways we silence people is by saying we want their input when we really don’t. Where have you felt pressure to invite people’s perspective into the mix? If you were to more accurately sort stakeholders into the three buckets (decide, consult, inform), who would be in which bucket?

9. We are bombarded with critical feedback all the time, and the negative inputs can strike deeply. Chapter 6 invites us to balance the inputs by inviting in voices who will say the things we need to hear. Whose voice do you need to invite into your mix? Will you invite a specific person you already know to share that perspective? Or who might you add to the list of podcasts you listen to, people you follow, or books you read to get that perspective?

10. In Chapter 6, Elaine encourages us to regularly recalibrate our understanding of our own voices. What does your voice sound like now? What did it used to sound like 5 years ago? 10 years ago? What changes do you notice? Are those the changes you desire or intend?

11. Substance, relationship, and process are three levers for using our voice. Which of these levers do you naturally focus on? Which of these levers might you actively experiment with using?

12. In Chapter 8, Elaine provides us with a framework for speaking up. Which of these anchors do you already utilize? Which of these anchors do you find the hardest to integrate into your practice?

13. If we don’t design our communication patterns, they typically default to serve the people with the most existing power. What communication mediums and practices make it easiest for you to use your voice? If you manage people, what communication mediums and practices make it easiest for them to use their voice? If you don’t know, ask now!

14. Systemic silence can seem overwhelming. But each of us doing a part makes change possible. Of the five things Elaine outlines in the “What Can I Do?” part of in Chapter 10, which seems most doable to you? Which will you try?

AFTER

1. What resonated most with you from the book? What did you struggle with?

2. What did you notice about your own relationship with silence in the process of reading? How do you want your relationship with silence to evolve? What steps might you take to make that evolution a reality?

3. What experiments will you try in the next three weeks?
        a. What do you worry about with trying these experiments?
        b. How can the people around you support your experiments?
        c. What conversations do you need to have with them to invite their support?

4. What questions still remain for you about unlearning silence? Send your questions to hello@elainelinhering.com. We can’t guarantee personalized responses to every question, but your questions help inform the content we continue to create.

5. Find your favorite quote from the book. Share it on social media, tag @elainelinhering and use #UnlearningSilence
 
SIX WAYS TO CONTINUE TO SUPPORT
 
1. Visit www.elainelinhering.com for resources, tools, and downloads to help you and your team use your voices.
 
2. Talk about the book on social media using #UnlearningSilence.
 
3. Leave a review of the book on bookseller websites.
 
4. Buy the book for a friend.

5. Contact your local library and suggest they purchase the book.
 
6. Sign up for monthly communication tips at https://hello.elainelinhering.com/newsletter
 
 
www.unlearningsilence.com
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Additional information

Weight	13.6 oz
Dimensions	1.0000 × 5.7800 × 8.6600 in
Imprint	Penguin Life
Format	General Trade
ISBN-13	09780593653609
ISBN-10	0593653602
Author	Elaine Lin Hering
Audience	General / adult
BISAC	SEL027000, BUS071000
Subjects	business books, motivational books, motivational books for women, positive thinking, habit, money, mindset, introvert, entrepreneurship, gratitude, self help books for women, self development books, self improvement books, motivational books for men, personal growth books, psychology book, leadership books, psychological safety, communication, SEL027000, mental health, psychology, BUS071000, business, self help, happiness, networking, business plan, leadership, motivation, career, confidence, self help books, personality, psychology books, quiet