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The Swoly Bible
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Description
From the muscle god who launched the YouTube channel Bro Science Life comes the only book that will teach you everything you need to know about getting swole.
For years, bros, meatheads, and gym rats around the world have posed pressing questions: What can you bench? Can I skip leg day? What goes in this protein shake? And importantly—do you even lift, bro? At long last, answers to these questions and more can be found in one handy volume—THE SWOLY BIBLE, written by the Internet’s favorite gym expert/literary genius, Dom Mazzetti.
In it, Mazzetti lays out the truth about how to make gains in the gym and in your life, including:
– How to Get Hyped for a Lift
- The True Meaning of Meal Prep
- How to Eat Chicken Without Wanting to Kill Yourself
- The Best Tips for Taking a Post-Workout Selfie
- How to Get Your Girlfriend to Start Lifting
- Why Crossfitters Are the Worst
- And much more
Written in Dom’s signature comedic voice, with illustrations throughout, The Swoly Bible is the perfect gift for anyone in your #fitfam.A self-proclaimed expert on everything, Dom Mazzetti is an Italian-American bro in his early twenties that hails from the tri-state area. Confidently stupid with good intentions, Dom refuses to grow up, and takes glee in his day-to-day responsibility-free existence. At his core – way down deep to his perfectly sculpted core – Dom is a great guy, just misunderstood. Dom is the type of guy that will give you the shirt off his back, even if you don’t want his shirt, just so he can be shirtless. This is his first book.Chapter 1
Life Before Lifting
Honestly, I am not even sure what there is to say about life before lifting weights. All I know is that there was no science, no text, no research or literature dating back to the time period BL. Because of scientific advancements, we now know that life existed Before Lifting, but there is nothing worth talking about. Man was a barnacle on society, a fucking troglodyte, before he started moving mass. Nothing mattered until man grew a pair of arms, swam to the surface from miles beneath the sea, and climbed his ass onto land. It was in that moment, my friend, that life truly began.
Now, if you haven’t yet lifted, you are still in the ooze state. To be human means that you have to be in a solid state, and you are far from there at this point. The fact is, you have not been to church yet, and you have not met the Swoly Spirit.
It’s important that you recognize where you came from. I know where you came from, but I ain’t your dad. You can call me daddy, though. Your mom already does. Ouch. But let’s take a deeper look at who you are at this point in time. You are young, but not the cool kind of young like Young Jeezy. By definition, “young” means that you have not grown. It does not matter how old you are because the fact is that you have not started lifting yet, which means that you have not grown, ipso facto, you are young.
And you are definitely scrawny. Being scrawny is worse than being skinny, and that is really tough to do. Being scrawny goes beyond what you look like-scrawny engulfs your personality. When you are scrawny, even your soul is frail and weak. People pity you and want to give you their leftover Chili’s. The only positive to being scrawny is that you can literally lift any weight and it will add muscle to your body. Anyway, I am not trying to ruin your confidence 30 pages into this book.
Just kidding, you have no confidence. You are like the fat kid from Rocket Power, but at least he had friends. When a human owns a sense of confidence, that human is able to lift weight. The more weight one can lift, the more confident one is. I can lift more fucking weight than Atlas, and that homie had the world on his shoulders. I have a better shoulder cap than him, too. Plus, Earth is not even heavy. I do core exercises with Jupiter.
At the end of the day, you are aware that you cannot keep living in the ooze state because ooze is not a state. New Jersey, Virginia, Miami . . . now, those are states. You are like my best friend, Boosh: You do not have any options, you are not very talented, and your personality is marginal at best. You simply will not be able to navigate the world (i.e., the gym) as primordial ooze.
Sorry not sorry if my words come off as harsh, but the fact is that if you want to be somebody you only have one option: gym. This is that moment when you make the decision to evolve, to become something, to wake the fuck up and be alive. This is the moment you decide to start lifting. You want to lift for the sole purpose of looking good, getting girls, and fixing that horrible genetic dice roll you ended up with. So tee up a Facebook event and invite your 89 friends, because you are about to have your Bar Mitzvah. There is no turning back now, in your life and in this book. If you turn one page back both will blow up. Good luck.
Stage 2
Tadpole
Ever wonder why arms are the most important part of your body? Because they were the first to develop, physiologically speaking. Not your brain, not your heart, and certainly not your legs. If the tadpole did not have arms, it would not have been able to climb ashore and invent the bench press. Take a moment to thank your muscle cannons and appreciate where you came from. Welcome to the Tadpole stage.
Chapter 2
The Brofessor
The Tadpole stage of evolution is a pivotal moment, but more important is how and why you started lifting in the first place. That honor belongs to your brofessor. Your brofessor is the most important person in your life. He’s someone you can confide in and trust, for like two hours at a time three or four days every week. Your brofessor is the living and breathing inspiration right in front of you. He is proof that greatness is possible.
You may never truly understand why your first brofessor chose to learn you. Maybe your older sister overheard you saying how much you wanted to “get ripped” and forced her husband to lug your skeleton into the gym. Or maybe your college roommate saw you for the first time and didn’t want to live with a pussy, so he convinced you to go to the boneyard after Comp 101. Some gym noobs find their brofessor on their own terms; others are lucky to have a brofessor assigned to them. However you end up in a gym, one fact is indisputable: No one ever starts going to the gym by themselves. That is like showing up to a party alone. You are going to stare at your phone for ten minutes then leave because everyone knows you’re a virgin. So just be grateful that this bro entered your sad and pathetic life.
Once you have been introduced to the gym like some Freemason’s initiation, you will begin copying everything your brofessor does. This is where you will start forming your personal foundation of Bro Science beliefs. You are like a sponge soaking up any fitness knowledge your brofessor leaks onto the gym floor. Your brofessor introduced you to this world; everything he says you take as fact because he created this world for you.
I met my brofessor in high school when he was hanging out in the parking lot drinking a shaker cup full of whey protein. This dude was fucking jacked. I asked him what was in the futuristic cup and he handed it to me. Tasted like chunky chocolate sap. I asked him why the hell he was drinking that stuff, and his only reply was, “Helps me recover.” Recover from what? I needed to know. I started lightly stalking him and copying what he did in the gym until one day he came up to me and told me that if I kept deadlifting like that I was going to throw my back out before I was eighteen. From that day forward, I listened to everything he told me.
You must accept your brofessor as your spiritual guide and believe everything he says to you. If he tells you to tuck your shoulders back while benching, you tuck your fucking shoulders back. If your brofessor tells you that doing high reps makes your muscles more cut, you will believe this, no questions asked. Now, since you are susceptible to believing any knowledge, good or bad, that your brofessor feeds you, you better pray to the goddamn stars that you are blessed with a good brofessor. Ending up with a shitty brofessor is like having racist parents. No kid is born racist, but after years of hearing his parents’ ignorance, he will grow up to be that kid who never left his hometown and thinks the Holocaust was made up by Hollywood Jews. Trust me: You do not want to get stuck in a conversation with this guy at the gym. And if you are this guy, it is too late because you will never realize the mental rapist that you have become. You are wasting my time and energy by the sheer force of your stupidity. In summary, a good brofessor is more important than good parents.
Assuming you have a decent brofessor, flash forward three months and you will have made some beginner gains that no one cares about or notices, except for you. Mirrors and reflective objects are slowly becoming your best friend because you are your best friend, because you are the best thing around.
Rules of Lifting with Your Brofessor
Never interrupt when he is speaking.
Always do what he is doing, even if you know it’s wrong, which it isn’t.
If he decides not to show up without telling you, don’t question him.
If he tells you that you have more reps in you, listen to him. He knows you better than you know yourself, even if you just met yesterday.
Drink any liquid that he tells you to drink.
Chapter 3
What Is a Pump?
As if your brofessor has not taught you enough, he also introduced you to the most important achievement of your life: your first pump. Your first pump is a life-altering moment, but the loss of your first pump is even more important. It’s an alpha and omega moment. A pump is when you witness actual change happen to your body as a result of lifting, only to see that change disappear a few hours later. You experienced what you could be and what you once were all in one day. It’s a vicious cycle, but a necessary one.
There is no way to describe a pump to someone who has never had a pump. It is like describing to Helen Keller how 3D glasses work. She has never even seen a 3D movie; she died before 3D was invented. But that’s what I’m here for: to do the impossible, so here goes.
By the standard definition, a pump is what happens when you are lifting and blood rushes to your muscles, swells them up, and makes them rock hard. But alas young virgins, a pump is so much more than standard definition. When you get a pump, you are becoming the absolute biggest and best version of yourself for, like, two hours. A pump is instant gratification. It is the only thing in life that lets you know what you are doing is working. Think about it: When I am reading, I don’t see my brain getting all huge and hard. Take that, school!
A pump is seeing your future. Once you see yourself with a pump you want to be that big all the time. Then once you get that big, your pump gets even bigger. No matter how hard you try you will never be as big as your pump. A pump is like tomorrow, and you can never reach tomorrow because once it is tomorrow, it is today again. But you will never stop chasing tomorrow because you always want to live another day and tomorrow never dies. What? What the fuck just happened? What did I just type? I blacked out. I think I came a little, too. What was I saying?
Okay, so if you are as confused by everything I just said a pump was, let me simplify for you and myself with this list.
A pump is a boner for your entire body.
A pump is finishing third but getting the gold medal.
A pump is an impossible chase. You are Captain Ahab and your pump is your Moby Dick, and your dick is your dick.
A pump is achieving muscular arousal from your own reflection.
A pump is hitting that mushroom in Super Mario and growing two sizes, but you know that shit is going to leave before you can get to the boss, aka the club.
A pump is seeing god’s dick, and then realizing it is yours. A pump is like driving a Lamborghini into Cleopatra’s butt.
A pump is getting cream-pied by god.
A pump is like riding a horse made out of dragons.
A pump is punching Jupiter with your dick and eating out the sun. There is nothing harder and there is nothing hotter.
A pump is a lot like hitting the snooze button. It feels great dreaming for five more minutes, but at some point you have to wake up.
A pump is seeing that one bicep vein under the right lighting, then telling people you compete.
A pump is typing the word “lie” then hitting bold and sending.
A pump is letting Jesus take the wheel while you rub one out and play Game Boy. Reps for Jesus.
A pump is that always DTF chick that will give you some butt reps, but will never let you cuddle.
A pump is getting a hug from your muscles.
A pump is like giving birth to a son and knowing he is going to be good at sports.
A pump is driving two jet skis at once, but one jet ski is a rhino farting lightning and the second jet ski is two jet skis.
A pump is theory of evolution proven in an hour and a half.
A pump is clicking on related videos while watching porn. Once you go down that rabbit hole, you will never be satisfied with real life again.
A pump is more addictive than Breaking Bad and actual meth. But I am addicted to all three; call me Walter Weight.
A pump is like winning the blood lottery, but it is a scratch-off and you won just enough for tomorrow’s ticket.
So welcome to the club, buddy. You will never be the same again, because the day you started lifting was the day you became forever small.
Chapter 4
Rookie Mistakes
The day you have been dreading has finally arrived: You have to go to the gym without your brofessor. He took eleven too many car bombs at the bar last night and still isn’t awake. Respect. Now you are faced with a decision: Skip your workout today and lose all your gains, or reach into your pants, grab your nutsack, and drag yourself to the gym by it.
You still may have the crippling fear of being ridiculed since you are fairly new to the gym, but in reality nobody cares, because once again, you are small. No one is even looking at you, because you are not even big enough to see. It is, however, easy to spot your insecurity through the double XL hoodie draped over your nonexistent traps. But even though you are about as noticeable as the rack of dumbbells below 15lbs, you still do not want to brand yourself as a rookie. Here are some things to avoid.
Half Repping
Half repping is one of the most flagrant offenses in the gym. It is the act of not completing the full range of motion required to count as one whole repetition-in other words, you are putting in half the work. It means you are not interested in follow-through, hard work, and results.US
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