The Science of Stuck

Description

A research-based tool kit for moving past what’s holding you back—in life, in love, and in work.

We all experience stuckness in our lives. We feel stuck in our relationships, career paths, body struggles, addiction issues, and more. Many of us know what we need to do to move forward—but find ourselves unable to take the leap to make it happen. And then we blame and shame ourselves, and stay in a loop of self-doubt that goes nowhere.

The good news is you’re not lazy, crazy, or unmotivated. In this empowering and action-oriented guide, you’ll discover why we can’t think our way forward—and how to break through what’s holding us back. Using an eclectic approach and a customizable plan that’s as direct or as deep as you want, this life-changing guide empowers you to:
 

break old habits and patterns

gain perspective on pain and trauma from the past

free yourself from the torturous “why” questions

take control of your choices to create the life you want

 
Bringing together research-backed solutions that range from shadow work to reparenting, embodied healing, and other clinical practices, along with empowering personal stories, this book is a hands-on road map for moving forward with purpose, confidence, and the freedom to become who you’re truly meant to be.“In this lively, well-written book, Britt Frank adds her compelling voice to this movement toward listening to rather than avoiding or fighting with what is making you stuck. To use one of her great metaphors, what if anxiety isn’t an annoying feeling to ignore or medicate and instead is a warning light on your mind’s dashboard, indicating that something inside you needs attention? Frank’s has been quite a journey and I’m so glad she’s courageous enough to share it, and the wisdom it brought her, with us.”
—Richard C. Schwartz, PhD, creator of the evidence-based Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapeutic model, and faculty member at Harvard Medical School
 
“In The Science of Stuck Britt Frank provides insights that enable individuals to move from the rigidity and predictiveness of being stuck to flexibility, curiosity, and social accessibility. Through relatable examples, we can develop skills to feel safe enough to venture into relationships and novel experiences and learn that being stuck is not a lifelong destiny.” 
—Dr. Stephen W. Porges, PhD, originator of The Polyvagal Theory, founding director of the Kinsey Institute Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at Indiana University, professor of psychiatry at the University of North Carolina, and a co-founder of the Polyvagal Institute
 
“This book is relevant for our modern, complicated lives and necessary for when we need to get our lives back on track. This book will give you the information you need to spark your curiosity with enough room to engage the necessary inward journey of self-reflection. You might just replace that stack of self-help books on your bedside table with this one essential guide.”
—Arielle Schwartz, PhD, author of The Complex PTSD Workbook, The Post-Traumatic Growth Guidebook, and other books on trauma recovery
 
“With down-to-earth language, enlivening inner-exercises, vivid humanness and humor, Britt Frank invites you to explore the gap between your own inertia and momentum.  The Science of Stuck provides the precise compass you need to navigate your way to freedom.” 
—Nancy Levin, author, Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free
 
“The Science of Stuck will give readers a new perspective, a deep understanding of anxiety, and a way out of anxiety. A book that is much needed in our post-pandemic world.”
—Milagros Phillips, author of Cracking the Healer’s Code and Finding Wholeness

“Britt Frank gives us an exceptionally wholehearted explanation for why it’s so important to reframe anxiety. With researched clarity, she invites us to reconsider the ‘anxiety disorder’ paradigm and invite anxiety to the table. Britt’s kind direction asks us to pull up a chair beside our fears and become friends. I will be sharing this book with clients and colleagues.”
—Kelly McDaniel, LPC, NCC, author of Ready to Heal and Mother Hunger

“If you feel stuck in your life, you can’t afford not to read this book.  In her powerfully engaging and relatable style, Britt takes you on a practical journey through understanding the practical neuroscience of stuck and what it’s going to take for you to get your life moving on your own terms. Highly recommended.”
—Alex Howard, founder and chairman of The Optimum Health Clinic, creator of Therapeutic Coaching, and author of Decode Your Fatigue
 
“Britt has done a tremendous job pulling together a book which forces one to reflect on their life, relationships, weaknesses, and strengths. She drives home the points that we all have the opportunity to take control, we all have the right to succeed, and that it is ok to not be perfect, but bottom line—we must take accountability for our results. Reading this book will make you uncomfortable, but it will give you the tools and the confidence to get unstuck.”
—Dennis Huber, President of MJH Consulting and former Executive Vice President at CenturyLink
 
“Britt Frank expertly, concisely, and humorously clarifies what ‘stuck’ really is, and how we can all wrench ourselves free—to step into who we are meant to be.” 
—Meredith Atwood, author of The Year of No Nonsense

“Staying stuck is one of the greatest obstacles to growth. Britt Frank explodes through the barriers of confusion and resistance to help us use the power of anxiety to get unstuck. Once we do, we’ll see more clearly, think with an open mind, feel more positively, and act with clarity and conviction.” 
—Bob Rosen, PhD, founder of The Healthy Leader and author of eight books on leadership 

“There is nothing wrong with us. That’s just one of the many takeaways I have from The Science of Stuck. As someone who’s struggled with an anxiety disorder most of my life, Britt’s relatable writing coupled with science is exactly what all of us need when we’re feeling stuck, lost, and even broken.” 
—Andrea Owen, author of Make Some Noise and host of the Make Some Noise podcast

“Using research, theory, and her own experience as a therapist, Britt Frank compassionately reminds us that our painful experiences have roots and meaning, and that even when we feel broken, there is always a way through. As a therapist I appreciated her research and examples of resilience, and as a human being I felt soothed by her reminders that I could trust and honor all parts of myself. I will return to the wisdom of this important book again and again, and I look forward to sharing it with clients and friends.”
—Cathy Cassani Adams, author of Zen Parenting and host of Zen Parenting Radio
 
“The Science of Stuck is a must-read for anyone looking to identify and overcome the barriers that keep them from moving forward in life, feeling happy and fulfilled, and enjoying meaningful relationships. Britt brilliantly steps readers through several practical, evidence-informed techniques proven to help combat chronic stuck-ness in relationships, and she gives us all hope that we can break out of old patterns to have the connections we yearn for.”
—Dr. Jennifer Sweeton, PsyD, forensic psychologist and author of The Trauma Treatment ToolboxBritt Frank, MSW, LSCSW, SEP, is a clinician, educator, and trauma specialist. She received her B.A. from Duke University and her MSW from the University of Kansas, where she is an award-winning adjunct professor. Frank speaks and writes widely about emotional wellness and healing.
 

Chapter 1

 

Anxiety Is a Superpower

 

Without It, We Stay Stuck

 

Madness need not be all breakdown.

It may also be break-through.

 

-R. D. Laing

 

When your car’s check-engine light flashes, you immediately know it’s time to look under the hood. The light itself isn’t the problem-it’s a signal pointing you toward a problem. Trying to “get rid of” anxiety is as counterproductive as trying to disable the check-engine light on your car. In some cases, anxiety is an illness that must be medically managed before anything else can be accomplished. If you’re reading this book, however, it’s possible that your anxiety is an indicator light. Though terrifying, uncomfortable, and confusing, anxiety is actually a superpower that can alter time, leap tall buildings in a single bound, and laser its way through concrete. Most of us learned to view anxiety as an adversary. This chapter will teach you how to view anxiety in a wildly new way.

 

Why should you believe any of this information when pop psychology headlines tell a different story?

 

By the time research makes it through the maze of the publishing process, it is already about a decade behind. This is why you’ll rarely hear the most current information in mainstream media. Thought leaders such as Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score), Dr. Stephen Porges (The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory), Dr. Peter Levine (Waking the Tiger), and Dr. Pat Ogden (Trauma and the Body) have mountains of data showing that mental health requires body awareness. Anxiety is one of the physical cues that allow us to know when we are out of alignment with external safety and/or internal truth. Heavy psychotropic medications and labels of mental illness should be the outliers, not the norm.

 

Psychiatrist and trauma authority Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes: “The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort . . . in an attempt to control these processes, [people] often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.”

 

Since anxiety is a signal, you’ll stay stuck without it. I know it feels super-unpleasant, overwhelming, and sometimes even paralyzing to be flooded with anxiety. And yet anxiety is 100 percent necessary to solve the problem of stuck. Anxiety is not an emotion-it’s a series of body sensations. Anxiety does not attack you-it’s trying to help you. You are not crazy or broken if you struggle to manage anxiety.

 

Wait . . . what?

 

“But I hate my anxiety!”

 

“I feel anxious all the time!”

 

“But my anxiety keeps me from doing things!”

 

“But my anxiety attacks me!”

 

“But my anxiety . . .”

 

FULL STOP.

 

Most people stare at me like I’m a conspiracy theorist when I explain that anxiety is one of the most important ingredients to getting out of stuck mode. It is clear from the epidemic of panicked, addicted, anxious, overwhelmed, and physically ill people that something is amiss when it comes to our understanding of anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t keep you stuck. Anxiety is a map that leads you out of stuck.

 

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, “anxiety disorders are the most common mental illnesses in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States . . . or 18.1% of the population every year.”

 

Do 40 million people need to endure a life of incurable mental illness, or is it possible that something else is going on? As a licensed specialist clinical social worker, I am authorized to diagnose you with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Bipolar, and Borderline Personality Disorder by checking your symptoms off a list from the fifth edition of a book called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V). The DSM-V is the bible for mental health professionals. But what most people don’t know is the DSM is influenced by politicians, it’s diagnostically incomplete, and it doesn’t take trauma or environmental factors into consideration. My psychopathology professor once told our class, “The DSM should stand for door-stop manual, since the only thing it’s good for is holding the door open.”

 

What If the Problem Isn’t Inside You?

 

Nowhere in my psychiatric hospital internship was I taught to ask about oppression, patriarchy, or systemic racism as a contributing factor to anxiety. Nowhere in the towering pile of books and assignments was I required to learn about the nervous system, including how the body responds to stress. Nowhere in my first job as a children’s therapist did any of the doctors or therapists look at anxiety as anything other than a medical disease. It is a little-known fact that therapists can become licensed and fully operational without ever learning about the body. I had to do many years of optional training (as well as a considerable amount of personal therapy) in order to gather and synthesize the information found in these pages.

 

Anxiety is not fun. It can sometimes feel life-threatening and disorienting. It makes sense that you’ve looked outside yourself for answers. But the bright shiny lights outside you won’t illuminate your understanding. The answers to your questions are found inside the dark woods of your own mind. When you try to numb out or avoid anxiety through eating, watching YouTube, comparing yourself to perfect-looking Facebook posts, drinking, or obsessing about relationships, you miss out on powerful signals from your inner world that point you toward your most authentic self. If you learn to listen to its call, anxiety is the shadowy and mysterious guide that can lead you into, through, and safely out of the forest of your chaos. This is a journey many are unwilling to take and others are unable to survive. As M. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled, put it, “Mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs.”

US