Rethinking Sex

Description

Part searing examination, part call to arms—a bold case against modern sexual ethics, from young Washington Post columnist Christine Emba.

For years now, modern-day sexual ethics has held that “anything goes” when it comes to sex—as long as everyone says yes, and does so enthusiastically. So why, even when consent has been ascertained, are so many of our sexual experiences filled with frustration, and disappointment, even shame?
 
The truth is that the rules that make up today’s consent-only sexual code may actually be the cause of our sexual malaise—not the solution. In Rethinking Sex, reporter Christine Emba shows how consent is a good ethical floor but a terrible ceiling. She spells out the cultural, historical, and psychological forces that have warped our idea of sex, what is permitted, and what is considered “safe.” In visiting critical points in recent years—from #MeToo and the Aziz Ansari scandal, to the phenomenal response to “Cat Person”—she reveals how a consent-only view of sex has hijacked our ability to form authentic and long-lasting connections, exposing us further to chronic isolation and resentment.
 
Reaching back to the wisdom of thinkers like Thomas Aquinas and Andrea Dworkin, and drawing from sociological studies, interviews with college students, and poignant examples from her own life, Emba calls for a more humane philosophy, one that starts with consent but accounts for the very real emotional, mental, social, and political implications of sex—even, she argues, if it means saying no to certain sexual practices or challenging societal expectations altogether.
 
More than a bold reassessment of modern norms, Rethinking Sex invites us to imagine what it means to will the good of others, and in turn, attain greater affirmation, fulfillment, and satisfaction for ourselves.
 “It’s rare that a book hits the cultural moment with the precision of Rethinking Sex. Exploring very new attitudes toward this very old act, Christine Emba finds an entirely changed landscape from even a few years ago. Casual sex no longer prevails, “catching feelings” isn’t a cause for embarrassment, and even though the kids’ aren’t alright at the moment, there is much cause for optimism.” –Vanessa Grigoriadis, author of Blurred Lines

“Rethinking Sex is an overdue attempt at writing down the very real frustrations that many have with today’s mating market, warped as it has become by cheap sex, marital substitutes, and all the other reasons that drive us away from the formation of the permanent relationships so many crave. The market mentality is entrenched, but Emba points readers to toward the way out.” –Mark Regnerus, author of Cheap SexChristine Emba is a columnist for The Washington Post writing about ideas and society. Prior, she was the Hilton Kramer Fellow in Criticism at the New Criterion and a deputy editor at the Economist Intelligence Unit, focusing on technology and innovation.

1. Christine Emba invites us to Rethink Sex. How did you think about sex before reading this book? Would you say you’re satisfied with the sexual status quo?
2. Did you receive instruction about consent in high school or college? How was that instruction presented? What did you take away from it? 
3. In Chapter 2, Emba makes this, perhaps surprising, suggestion: “The best sexual world is perhaps a less free one.” What does Emba mean? Do you agree? Why or why not? 
4. Emba quotes the writer Alana Massey on “the tyranny of chill,” a pervasive cultural pressure to hide our strongest feelings, for fear of seeming uncool or undesirable. Do you recognize this pressure in your own life? Do you believe it has affected your love life?
5. Emba argues that there is a contradiction at the heart of the cultural discourse around sex: on the one hand, sex is a meaningless biological function or recreational activity; on the other, sex is the all-important signifier of health, self-actualization, and women’s liberation. Had you noticed this contradiction before reading Rethinking Sex? Which perspective – “nothing” or “everything” – more accurately represents your view of sex?
6. Throughout Rethinking Sex, Emba argues that consent is not enough to ensure ethical sex. What are the shortcomings of a consent-based sexual discourse? 
7. “Some Desires Are Worse Than Others.” Is this a controversial statement in your community or social milieu? Do you agree with it?
8. Emba calls for “a new sexual ethic.” What would this ethic consist of? 
   9. Did Rethinking Sex change your mind about sex? In what way?

US