Lies

Description

The #1 New York Times bestseller by Senator Al Franken, author of Giant of the Senate

Al Franken, one of our “savviest satirists” (People), has been studying the rhetoric of the Right. He has listened to their cries of “slander,” “bias,” and even “treason.” He has examined the GOP’s policies of squandering our surplus, ravaging the environment, and alienating the rest of the world. He’s even watched Fox News. A lot.

And, in this fair and balanced report, Al bravely and candidly exposes them all for what they are: liars. Lying, lying liars. Al destroys the liberal media bias myth by doing what his targets seem incapable of: getting his facts straight. Using the Right’s own words against them, he takes on the pundits, the politicians, and the issues, in the most talked about book of the year.

Timely, provocative, unfailingly honest, and always funny, Lies sticks it to the most right-wing administration in memory, and to the right-wing media hacks who do its bidding.

A Note from the Author  xiIntroduction xv1 Hummus 12  Ann Coulter: Nutcase  53 You Know Who I Don’t Like? Ann Coulter  174 Liberals Who Hate America   215 Loving America the Al Franken Way  246 I Bitch-Slap Bernie Goldberg 287 The 2000 Presidential Election: How It Disproved the Hypothetical Liberal Media Paradigm Matrix 378 Conclusion: A Lesson Learned 519 Five Get-Rich-Quick Tips the Wall Street  Fat Cats Don’t Want You to Know 5210 Chapter for American Book by Kharap Juta 5611 I’m Funnier than Kharap Juta 5712 The Chapter on Fox 5813 Bill O’Reilly: Lying, Splotchy Bully 6514 Hannity and Comes 8315 The Blame-America’s Ex-President-First Crowd 10416 Operation Ignore 11517 Our National Dialogue on Terrorism 12318 Humor in Uniform 12419 Who Created the Tone? 13220 Did the tone Change? 14221 Why Did Anyone Think It Would Change? 143 22 I Grow Discouraged About the Tone 15223 I’m Prudenized 16524 Paul Gigot Is Unable to Defend an Incredibly Stupid Wall Street Journal Editorial 17025 “This Was Not a Memorial to Paul Wellstone”: A Case Study in Right-Wing Lies 17726 I Attend the White House Correspondents Dinner and Annoy Karl Rove, Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz, and the Entire Fox News Team  20627 The Lying Years 21728 Bush Can’t Lose With Clinton’s Military 22029 Operation Chickenhawk: Episode One 22630 Fun with Racism 25231 I’m a Bad Liar 26132 Thank God for Jerry Falwell 27733 Abstinence Heroes 28334 Abstinence Heroes II 28735 “By Far the Vast Majority of My Tax Cuts Go to Those at the Bottom”  28836 The Waitress and the Lawyer: A One-Act Play 30437 The Gospel of Supply Side Jesus 31338 I Challenge Rich Lowry to a Fight 32439 Vast Lagoons of Pig Feces: The Bush Environmental Record 32840 I Meet Former First Lady Barbara Bush and It Doesn’t Go Well! 33641 My Personal Search for Weapons of Mass Destruction 34242 The No Child Left Behind Standardized Test 34943 What is a Lie? 352    Sources and Notes 355   Meet TeamFranken 369   Acknowledgments 373   Endnotes 379″Laugh-out-loud funny.”—The Washington Post

“Rings with the moral clarity of an angel’s trumpet… Although Franken is a self-proclaimed liberal, his work differs in that it presents well-substantiated arguments and damning examples of false accusations that conservatives have effectively used against Democrats… sharp analysis and humor.”—Associated Press

“A typically unabashed blend of razor-witted denunciation and old-fashioned gumshoe detective work directed at right-wing crazies both in and out of government… [An] exquisitely irritating new book.”—The Independent (London)

“[A] heady mixture of scathing humor and righteous indignation.”—The Onion

“In the kicking, spitting spirit of current all-star political discourse, Al Franken gives as good as he gets.”—Janet Maslin, The New York Times

Praise for Oh, the Things I Know!

“With a nod to Dr. Seuss and his popular tome for graduates of all ages, Franken offers his own advice guide, which covers pretty much anything anyone wants to understand about life… This laugh-aloud take on advice books—it is dedicated simply ‘For Oprah’—is Stuart Smiley with an edge.”—Ilene Cooper, Booklist

“Easy-to-follow guide to success and, failing that, happiness.”—USA Today

Praise for The Truth (with jokes)

“Devastating… The Truth keeps its promise to be funny about extremely unfunny matters. It matches Lies in wit, and its subjects are tougher. The gags have bite. . . . And it is effectively leavened with bits of dialogue, many of them all too real.”—The New York Times

“Subtle, laugh-or-cry-out-loud and ultimately devastating . . . The Truth (with jokes) is guaranteed to rile the right again with its forensic lasering of Republican skullduggery and media mendacity, laced with sharp humor. . . . [Franken] is the voice the American left has been waiting for.”—The Guardian (London)

U.S. Senator Al Franken grew up in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. Before running for the Senate, Al spent 37 years as an Emmy award-winning comedy writer; author of I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!, Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot, Lies (and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them), and Giant of the Senate; and radio talk show host. He has taken part in seven USO tours, visiting our troops overseas in Germany, Bosnia, Kosovo, Uzbekistan, Iraq, Afghanistan, and Kuwait.

First elected to the Senate in 2008, and re-elected in 2014, he currently sits on the Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions (HELP) Committee; the Judiciary Committee; the Energy and Natural Resources Committee, and the Committee on Indian Affairs. He has been married to his wife, Franni, for 40 years.

An excerpt from

LIES: And the Lying Liars Who Them–A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right

by Al Franken

Introduction

God chose me to write this book.

Just the fact that you are reading this is proof not just of God’s existence, but also of His/Her/Its beneficence. That’s right. I am not certain of God’s precise gender. But I am certain that He/She/It chose me to write this book.

This isn’t hubris. I’m not saying this in an egotistical way. God didn’t choose me because I’m the greatest writer who ever lived. That was William Shakespeare, whose work I have a passing familiarity with. No. I just happened to be the right vessel at the right time. If something in this book makes you laugh, it was God’s joke. If something makes you think, it’s because God had a good point to make.

The reason I know God chose me is because God spoke to me personally.

God began our conversation by clearing something up. Some of George W. Bush’s friends say that Bush believes God called him to be president during these times of trial. But God told me that He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won the popular vote and, God thought, the electoral college. “THAT WORKED FOR EVERYONE ELSE,” God said.

“What about Tilden?” I asked, referring to the 1876 debacle.

“QUIET!” God snapped. God was angry.

God said that after 9/11, George W. Bush squandered a unique moment of national unity. That instead of rallying the country around a program of mutual purpose and sacrifice, Bush cynically used the tragedy to solidify his political power and pursue an agenda that panders to his base and serves the interests of his corporate backers.

God told me that Bush squandered a $4.6 trillion surplus and is plunging us into deficits as far as God can see. And that Bush squandered another surplus. The surplus of goodwill from the rest of the world that he had inherited from Bill Clinton.

And this was pissing God off.

He/She/It was right. But it sounded like a lot of work.

“Look, God, I’m flattered, but I think you got the wrong guy. The kind of book you’re talking about would require months of research.”

And God said, “LET THERE BE GOOGLE. AND LET THERE BE LEXISNEXIS.”

“Very funny, God. I use Google all the time.”

“YES, I KNOW,” God said. “FOR HOT ASIAN TEENS.”

“You must be thinking of my son, Joe.”

“AL? I’M OMNISCIENT.”

“Okay, okay.” I changed the subject. “It’s just that I can’t do this book myself.”

“LEAVE THAT TO ME,” God boomed.

And that’s when Harvard called.

***

Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government asked me to serve as a fellow at its Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics, and Public Policy. After my varied and celebrated career in television, movies, publishing, and the lucrative world of corporate speaking, being a fellow at Harvard seemed, frankly, like a step down.

I couldn’t think of anything less appealing than molding the minds of tomorrow’s leaders, unless it was spending fireside evenings sipping sherry with great minds at the Faculty Club. Yawn.

To my surprise and delight, though, all Harvard wanted me to do was show up every once in a while and write something about something. That gave me an idea.

“Would it be okay if I wrote a scathingly partisan attack on the rightwing media and the Bush administration?”

“No problem,” Harvard said absentmindedly.

“Count me in,” I replied. “From now on call me ‘Professor Franken.’”

“No,” Harvard said, “you’re not a professor. But you can run a study group on the topic of your choosing.”

“Great,” I said. “I’ve got the perfect topic: Write My Son’s Harvard College Application Essay.”

“No,” they said. “Harvard students already know how to write successful Harvard applications, Al. We want you to teach them something new.”

Harvard was right where I wanted it. “How about if the topic is: How to Research My Book?”

“Sure,” Harvard said. “Most of our professors teach that course. Why, in the Biochemistry department, most of the graduate level courses are-”

Harvard was boring me. “I gotta run, Harvard. Thanks.”

***

I had my Nexis, I had my Google, I had my Harvard fellowship, and I had my fourteen research assistants. I sat down to write. Nothing.

So I got on my knees and prayed for guidance. “How, God, can I best do Your work through this book? Who, dear Lord, is the audience for a book like this? And what’s a good title?”

God answered, “YOU KNOW THOSE SHITTY BOOKS BY ANN COULTER AND BERNIE GOLDBERG?”

“The best-sellers that claim there’s a liberal bias in the media?” I asked.

“TOTAL BULLSHIT,” God said. “START BY ATTACKING THEM. HE’S CLEARLY A DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE, AND SHE JUST LIES. BY THE WAY, THERE’S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HER.”

“That’s pretty obvious.”

“SO GO AFTER THEM, THE WHOLE LIBERAL BIAS MYTH, AND THEN GO AFTER THE RIGHT-WING MEDIA. ESPECIALLY FOX.”

“Okay, God, I’m writing this down.”

“THEN USE THEM AS A JUMPING-OFF POINT TO GO AFTER BUSH. YOU KNOW, BIG TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH, SURGING UNEMPLOYMENT, IGNORING EVERYONE BUT HIS CORPORATE BUDDIES, SCREWING THE ENVIRONMENT, PISSING OFF THE REST OF THE WORLD. THAT STUFF. AND THAT’S YOUR BOOK.”

“Got it. One last thing. Title.”

“HOW ABOUT BEARERS OF FALSE WITNESS AND THE FALSE WITNESS THAT THEY BEAR?”

“Hmm. I, uh, I’ll work with that.”

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